


Sex Education for Adults Who Can't Lock Doors

by HeidiJames28



Series: We're a Family First and Cricketers Second [17]
Category: Cricket RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27565981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeidiJames28/pseuds/HeidiJames28
Summary: Ali has had enough of the babies accidentally walking in on everyone having sex so he enlists the help of Paul Collingwood to teach them proper safe sex. Of course, not everything goes to plan with this group of cricketers.
Relationships: Dom Bess/Sam Curran, Eoin Morgan/Ben Stokes/Mark Wood, Jimmy Anderson/Alastair Cook, Jofra Archer/Tom Curran, Jos Buttler/Joe Root, Rory Burns/Ollie Pope, Sam Billings/Jason Roy, Stuart Broad/Steven Finn
Series: We're a Family First and Cricketers Second [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103888
Kudos: 2





	Sex Education for Adults Who Can't Lock Doors

**Author's Note:**

> This is legit just a crack drabble because I'm procrastinating my dissertation research.

Sammy skipped upstairs, looking around for an adult, his stomach rumbling loudly. It was almost lunch and he needed someone to watch him in the kitchen so he could make food but almost everyone was out for the day. He heard a bang from Joey and Jos's room so he knocked loudly before opening the door and walking in. 

"Uncle Jossy, Uncle Joey," he called out, looking down before screaming as he looked up. "I'm so sorry I was wondering if you could make food but it doesn't matter," Sammy covered his eyes, scrambling out of the room. He ran into a wall, groaning loudly before making his way downstairs. He sat on the bottom step, rocking slightly with wide eyes. He was rubbing his eyes, shaking his head as if trying to get rid of the memory when the front door opened and Jimmy and Ali walked in. 

"Bubba, are you okay?" Jimmy rushed out, dropping his shopping back and running up to his youngest. He sat next to him, gently placing an arm around his shoulder and cooing softly. "Did everything get too much?" 

"No papa," Sammy whined, burying his head in JImmy's neck, "I went to ask Jos and Joey to make my food but they were preoccupied."

"Preoccupied in what way?" Ali asked, tilting his head and laughing in amusement. 

"They were having sex, daddy," Sammy mumbled, groaning in disgust, "it was horrific. I think I am mentally scared and I'm not okay with it. I will never be able to forget those images." 

"I'll talk to them, baby," Ali promised, "why don't you and Papa go and have some lunch and I'll work out a way to fix this?"

"Okay, daddy," Sammy spoke, pressing a kiss to Ali's cheek before skipping into the kitchen, closely followed by a smiling Jimmy.

* * * * *

**Daddy to The Family**

_Tomorrow at 11 - sex ed class_

**Uncle Jos** **to The Family**

_Did you say sex ed? I'm 29 - I've had sex ed classes._

**Papa to The Family**

_Well, we've had enough of the babies seeing some of you having sex._

**Joey to The Family**

_Was that us by any chance? Still sorry about that by the way, Sammy._

**Bessie to The Family**

_Sammy says 'he's scarred and never going to be okay again' - he's currently refusing to take his head out of my neck_

**Papa to The Family**

_See you've broken the baby. Now, you will all be subjected to a sex ed lesson from a special guest._

**Mama to The Family**

_Have fun_

**Daddy to The Family**

_Everyone is involved. Including you and Jason. I've already told SIbbers and Creepy._

**Bessie to The Family**

_Sammy asks why he has to go, he knows how to lock the door?_

**Papa to The Family**

_No arguments - everyone is going._

* * * * *

"Dad?" Mark asked, walking into an empty meeting-room closely followed by Eoin and Ben. "Who's the special guest?" 

"That would be me," a northern voice sounded from the front of the room causing Mark to squeal in happiness before turning around and wrap his arms tightly around the coach. Paul Collingwood was stood in front of a whiteboard with an uncomfortable look on his face and two boxes on a table. "Somehow Ali has managed to convince me to teach you sex ed. Something I had hoped you already knew."

"They know how to have sex," JImmy grumbled, walking into the room followed by a large group of cricketers, "they just don't know how to not be seen doing it." Colly laughed slightly, ruffling Mark's hair as the boy sat down between his boyfriends near the front of the room. 

\--

Ollie slipped into the room, his hand clutching onto Rory's who had Ollie's backpack slung over one shoulder. Ollie sat at the front of the classroom, tugging a moaning Rory with him. "Why did you bring so many books?" Rory groaned. 

"They're notebooks," Ollie explained, "so I can take notes. Nobody forced you to carry it for me." 

"I didn't get to carry it in school, let me do it for you now." 

"You couldn't carry my bag in school because you're old," Ollie giggled at Rory's slightly pout, "it's not like I'm lying. When you were finishing your A-Levels, I was in year five." 

"I don't need to be reminded of that," Rory pointed out, "that's disgusting." He handed Ollie his bag, smirking as he pulled out a pair of thick-framed black glasses and slipped them on, along with a notebook and pencil case.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Ollie questioned. 

"I love me a nerd," Rory whispered, causing Ollie to blush, scrunch his nose up and look away. "You're perfect," Rory continued, pressing a soft kiss to Ollie's lips before throwing an arm around his shoulder and turning to face the front. 

\--

Bessie, Sibbers, and Creepy slumped down near the back of the room. "Where's Sammy, doesn't he have to be here as well?" Zak asked, growing confused when a small blonde puppy-like human didn't appear next to them. 

"He's hiding," Bessie laughed, "hid under the bed when I told him it was time to go. I couldn't get him to come out. Stu and Finny said they'd convince him to come." 

"Every time you tell me about tell me something about that house, I thank the lord that I don't live there," Sibbers laughed, frowning in confusion at Bessie who simply smiles, weirdly proud. "I don't even know why we have to be here?"

"I asked Joe and he said just in case something happens while on tour," Zak responded, blushing and shrugging slightly, "don't know what made them think of it now though."

"Dad got annoyed at the older boys not locking their doors," Bessie explained, "Sammy walked in on Joe and Jos again." 

"How many times has it happened so far?" Creepy questioned, a disgusted expression spreading across his face at the memories. 

"Sammy's walked in on them twice, I've walked in once, and I know Mark's stumbled upon them a few times," Bessie shuddered, "Mark, Ben, and Eoin aren't very good at locking their doors either." 

"Have you and Sam-"

"So sex," Colly interrupted Sibbers' questioned and the three boys turned to face their new teacher, groaning slightly. 

\--

"So sex."

The door slammed open and Stu and Finny rushed inside, a small blond whining in between them. "Sorry we're late _someone_ didn't want to come," Finny excused, motioning down to Sammy who slunk into the room, sitting next to Bessie. 

"Hello princess," Bessie greeted, kissing Sammy softly and causing Sibbers and Creepy to let out matching groans. Sammy whined again, curling up in his chair and burying himself in Bessie's side. "Did they give you a lollipop?"

"No," Sammy groaned, "they promised but never did." 

Jimmy walked over, throwing a lollipop in Sammy's location and smiling softly at his youngest who let out a happy noise at the treat. Bessie unwrapped the sweet, popping it in Sammy's mouth and gazing at him lovingly. 

"Shush now, bub," Jimmy murmured, ruffling Sammy's hair and making his way to the door with Ali. The pair stood, watching over to make sure everyone was paying attention and no-one would try and run away.

\-- 

"So Joey," Colly called out, glancing down at some papers in his hand, "what do we do to make sure no one finds us?" No-one responded and Colly looked up in disappointment to find Joe and Jos making out in the middle of his class.

The room went quiet, staring at the Joseph's and waiting for them to notice. It was a long few minutes of their couple sharing saliva before Joe shifted until he was straddling Jos's thighs. "Joesph," Jimmy called out, finally gaining the couple's attention. 

"Yes papa," Joey replied, "how can I help?" Joey slid back into his own seat, batting his eyelashes innocently in an attempt to make them forgive him. 

"That only works when Sammy does it," Jimmy remarked, "you're not innocent enough to pull it off. Anyway, Colly asked you a question?" 

"I may have been distracted," Joe pointed out, "can you please repeat the question?" 

"What do we do to make sure no one finds us?" 

"Use a gag," Joe deadpanned, causing Sibbers and Creepy to groan loudly while everyone else simple rolled their eyes. 

"Joseph, the non-family members in this room don't need to know about your sex-life," Ali countered, "it's bad enough we have to hear about it. Don't subject them to it too."

"Sorry, dad," Joe giggled, "we should lock the door." 

"Thank you," Colly praised, looking remarkably uncomfortable.

\--

"Condoms," Colly announced, throwing his hands up in the air in false-excitement, "I have bananas and condoms and we're going to learn how to use condoms." 

"I don't need this," Tom immediately spoke, standing up and making a move to leave before meeting Jimmy's groan and sitting back down. "I really don't need to be here."

"Me either," Jof argued, gripping TC's thigh under the table and smiling when Tom shivered in response. 

"We all know you're shagging," Sammy groaned from the back of the room, "stop pretending like you're subtle." 

"How do you know?" Tom questioned, turning to face his brother, with a frown and his cheeks blushing. 

Sammy quirked an eyebrow, giggling slightly. "Seriously?" Sammy asked. "You two are the most obvious people in existence. Falling asleep in the same bed because you were "playing COD late into the night" is not normal, especially when Tom's room was next door." 

"We're not that bad," Jof laughed, slinging an arm around TC when he realised they'd been caught out. 

"You really are," Sammy deadpanned, "I'm you're brother Tom, you can't lie to me. You also like being topless and apparently Jof likes leaving hickeys." Tom blushed at the news, a whimper escaping him as he avoided Sammy's eyes. "By the way, Jof if you hurt him, I will get papa to ruin you." 

Jof turned to look at Jimmy in nervousness but looked away when the man simply glared at him. "If the bubba wants it, the bubba gets it," Jimmy spoke, "if you two are shagging you're going to learn how condoms work." 

\--

"Jimmy," Eoin whined, taking a break from where he was blowing a condom up like a balloon. He waited until Jimmy turned to face him until he continued, "why do we have to do this? We all know how condoms work." 

Jim frowned at him, "I would agree with you but I don't know if you've looked around this room." Jimmy motioned to the other cricketers in the room. "Joe has just tried to prove he can put it on with his mouth and almost choked to death. Sammy refuses to look at his condom. Your boyfriends are flicking each other with theirs and you've made a balloon." 

"I can't really argue with you there," Eoin conceded, turning back to his boyfriends and getting hit with Ben's condom as he tried to flick it at Mark who giggled and used Ben's distraction to flick his straight in the cheek. 

"The only people that have managed to correctly apply a condom," Colly started, "are Sibbers and Creepy and Jase and Bilbo." 

"I told we didn't need to be here," Bilbo explained, "we both lock the door and know how to use condoms. We're also private so we'd never get caught in the living room or the gym or the hotel swimming pool."

"That was one time," Jos complained, laughing as Joey blushed and flicked his condom at Bilbo who simply sighed and rolled his eyes. 

"That's one time too many, to be honest, Jossy," Jase responded. 

Ali cleared his throat, smiling apologetically at Bilbo. "You only really needed to come in case Sammy had a problem." 

"Speaking of Sammy," Bilbo spoke, standing up and walking over to the youngest's table before crouching next to him, "you alright, bubba?" He asked, raking a hand softly through the blond hair. 

"Don't like the texture, mama," Sammy complained, "is all slimy. Feels gross, I don't want to touch it." 

"How do you two use condoms then?" Sibbers asked, not noticing the entire room shivering at the thought of the babies having sex. 

"We don't use them," Bessie replied, letting Sammy bury his face in his neck and whine quietly. "He was a virgin and I'm tested. He really hates the sliminess." 

"Alright," Ali called, "that's enough, everyone can go home. I don't want to hear about you two having sex." 

"Make sure you lock your doors, thank you," Colly announced before rushing out of the room with Ali and Jimmy. Everyone else looked around in shock. 

"To get out this, Bessie and Sammy just needed to mention them having sex," Mark whooped, "awesome. Can we get ice cream, Bennie?" 

"Sure, gorgeous," Ben replied, pulling Eoin and Mark out of the room and down the corridor. 

"Ali's right," Tom agreed, "I don't wanna think about that."

"Is it bad?" Sammy asked quietly, turning to Bilbo with a sad pout. 

"No, bobble," Bilbo assured, "it's just weird coz you're Ali and Jimmy's youngest baby so to them, you're innocent and need protecting."

"Oh," Sammy let out, pecking Bilbo's cheek before smiling shyly, "can we get ice cream too?" 

"Of course, Bubba, let's go." Sammy and Bessie followed Jase and Bilbo out of the room, leaving Sibbers and Creepy sitting at the back alone in shock. 

"What the hell just happened?" Zak asked, confused and shocked by the turn of events. 

"I have no idea," Sibbers responded. 

"Join England cricket they said, it will be fun they said," Creepy moaned, "do you wanna get a Nandos?"

"Might as well," Dom agreed, "we've earnt it by showing up today."


End file.
